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tsuLife Author

Nikolina&Dan-2(87of553)For most people that just doesn’t make any sense. Cause most Christians are bubbly cheerleaders that love everyone. Well it has been very different for me. I had depression for years and just couldn’t come out with it. Mostly, because I didn’t want to be viewed at someone that wants attention. With everyone being so busy with self agendas. No one has time to talk about how they really feel. Covering it with busyness so we don’t have to be alone with our own thoughts.

What does God really want for us?
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.
Hard to do that when we are too busy to even deal with our own selves. You can say the cliche stop and smell the roses. How much is that true for us? How much do we really care about others over self promotion?

How do we move from self promotion or self doubt?
I see most people in one or the other camp. One is the self promoter which can be impossible to get two words in. HAHA We have all done it. You know who they are and who you are. We are not into shaming here. What insecurity do we have that makes us tell people about how much we have done or will do. Or the self doubters when we go up to speak and we just come up empty with worries.

How does our insecurity affect our behavior and our depression?When our expectations of who we are become a unquenchable monster that can never get filled. I personally want to do everything right and feel useful. I never feel OK with just existing, always having the need to prove myself and myself worth. After chasing intangible goals, I’m left with the feeling of defeat and depression.

What’s next?
I don’t know, maybe not caring and thinking that I don’t have to do something important so that I can have the privilege to breathe. And to remember God cares more about us then anyone can or does. That my self worth is on Him and not myself.

If you ever dealt with lack of self worth or depression and how did you over come it, leave a comment below

-tsuAuthor

I feel the pressure of life are coming to head all at once. Trying not to break but it’s hard not to feel hopeless. This issue of money also makes me feel like I’m drowning. The one thing in life I didn’t want to do is chase money. But for some reason there is another bill or the car breaks. I don’t care if I lived in a studio apartment for the rest of my life. I did not want to think or deal with money. In the last 4 years money has been a big issue in my life. I feel like I can’t get a break. I’ll save a little then bomb, then something happen and it back to zero.

On the flip side, God has came through with money more times I can count.

My trip to California in 2012, I had two friends give me 250 for my plane ticket. School, after losing my job two days after enrolling for being unable to work Saturdays cause I would be in school. I got a check in the mail from the government of 760 and got a new job two weeks later. Free ticket to a sold out conference with hotel stay with friends and a ride all for free to Harrisburg, PA. When my car broke down had a friend use his AAA to tow my car and another friend gave me 80 to fix it. I had someone give me 100 dollars out of blue for my bills when I wasn’t working. Would have people randomly call me for haircuts, color or photography. They would give me the right amount I needed for bills. One of my friends at Starbuck would get me coffee almost everyday when I wasn’t working. I would be there for hours reading or blogging, he would also throw me a 20 for gas. Number of times holding money in my hands crying cause I knew I didn’t desire it but God wanted to use other people to help me.

God always provided for me when I was unemployed for those two years. I still don’t have much but that heart for giving never left. God taught me out of my nothingness to give. I was always the lady with the two coins. To get someone dinner and pay for it, even if it was my last 20. If I couldn’t do anything else, I would listen to them talk about there day. I never wanted to be used to or think I desire handouts. Even tho a few times my heart did go there. I never let it stay there. Cause in all God is the one who proves all my needs.

Well this blog post was more of venting and testimonies. If anyone is out there needing a break through. I pray these testimonies of God’s work gives you hope and break through for yourself. Blessings -tsuLife Author

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Random thoughts… grateful for the amazing people I have in my life. Some that are willing or care enough to get me out of my pit. How much distractions can really throw any person off there track on what God wants for there life. Just because it the easiest doesn’t mean its the right way. Cause most difficult path could be the most rewarding. Even tho I had so many people really destroy my life and wound every part of me. For some reason I bounce back, I know it has to be God cause I would have throw in the towel a long time ago. It’s that hope, that things will get better and it has. With my last heart to heart with a friend, that my lack of trust with people is causing me to fear people. I never realized that what was plague my heart. Any form of confrontation I would just run cause I didn’t want the person to yell at me or make me feel small. I can give you the sob story of why I’m like that. But I really don’t like the pitying. I’m more of, find out what it is and get rid of it… and move on. So that my thought for the day. Trust people and if they hurt you, God will smite them in the face. I’m joking about the last part. -tsuLife Author

“I wouldn’t trade my salvation for anything in the world.”

I was in intercessor prayer for a conference, over 4 weeks ago. When the pastor asked me if I was going to stay after the prayer. I felt it was important to stay. I had a interview that I cancel, so I could stay. I was talking with the pastor and everyone else in the group. They were talking about Bill Johnson being in Harrisburg. I thought to myself “I would love to go” and just dropped it. At that moment I joined there intercession team. The journey starts in supernatural favor.

On Sept 24th at church during worship, I was in the front. When a guy starts prophesying over me, “women ministry, deeper hunger….” Then a women says to me, “Nik, you are ready.” At the end of the service another women came up to me as I was sitting on the ground. “Are you going to Harrisburg? Cause God wants me to give you my ticket. You just have to find a ride and a hotel.” I just start crying and shaking cause God remembered I wanted to go. I was hanging around at the end while they were cleaning up. I asked the pastor if she was going and how many people were going, too. I told her what happen during worship. Then she turned to her husband and asked him, “Can Nik come with us and stay in our room. We have the couch.” I looked at her with my eyes wide open in shock on what I was hearing. He said, “Yes”, she turns back to me and says “We are leaving at 6:30pm on Thursday. Meet us at our house.” So I took off of work on Friday and I was off to Harrisburg two days later.

God can move in a moment… to be continue –tsuLife Author

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My awesome friends of faith. Sorry that I haven’t been writing. A lot has happen… more then I can write. I went from a dry season feeling that I was going nowhere. To everything happening within one month span. Started with a leap of faith with the Spirit leading the way.

If you read the story from California. Click here to read. Something I let go and really thought it was never going to happen. One day my friend invited me to a church that her spiritual mother went to. That service was amazing. At the end of it, the pastor invite us to come to the School of a Missionary on Saturday, just to visit for one day. I cried cause I was happy to see what it was about. That Saturday after classed, I signed up not knowing how I was going to pay for it. I told the woman I will pay for this month fee next week. She looked up at me and said you don’t have to worry about the month of May. I tried everything in me not to cry.

That day I went home I just ran up stairs to shower and change to go back out. My dad told me that I got a check in the mail. I thought it would be like last year, 16 bucks from the state. So I didn’t open it, until later I got home. I opened it and throw it on my drawer, not thinking what the amount was. I sat on my computer for about an hour before I realize was I saw. So I got back up and looked to see 700 bucks. I cried and tried not to scream like a mad man. So that means school is paid for…

Telling my boss that I can’t work on Saturdays was hard. My boss text me that I couldn’t take off on the 27th of May. I told her that I had plans that day for my birthday and I also can’t work on Saturday cause of school. She never texted me back. Until I went to work on Wednesday and told me after today she doesn’t need me anymore. So I was let go…

Saturday came and I went to school and told my friend’s spiritual mom what happen with the money and losing my job. She asked what did I do for a living. I told her that I was portrait photographer and also did hair for years before that. She looked at me, “you have a hair license?” I have done hair for about 9 years. She said “I may have a place in mind. I’ll make some phone calls and get back to you.” So I waited…

The following week I got the number for the salon. I was very nervous to call, but I did it and set up a day for an interview. I almost didn’t set up the interview cause she wanted me to work on Sunday. I usually never work on Sunday. I had someone say to me in round about way, “You are putting limits on yourself and putting Jesus in a box.” So I went for it…

That following Saturday was the third when all this all started. I was in the front worshiping, when I got a vision. It was me and Jesus dancing cheek to cheek. He pulled His face back to look into my eyes. He leaned in, like a wind He breathed a wedding dress onto me. As I looked up to Him, He was standing there at an altar in a suit. I woke up from my vision to have the pastor standing in front of me. She laid her hands on me. And I went down like a ton of bricks. I just cried, saying over and over in my head, “how can you call me your bride, I’m not worthy”. So I started to believe I was worthy enough…

I had the interview this week for the job. It seem like a place that I would love to work at. I have one more interview to do color in front of the salon owner. And I think I will get the job!!!

What a crazy and faithful month of God’s blessing. I can’t wait for what He has next for me. I really learned to trust in Him. That His way is true and good for my life. Also on the 28th of May I turned 28! I love getting older, it has been a joy to spend the last 5 years with God and the amazing people that He put before me. Be Blessed today. –tsuLife Author

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But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, “Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And the women was made well from that hour. Matthew 9:22

On my path onto a new endeavor on the road of uncertainty. Trusting God like I have never been before. As my wonderful reading… I would like to know your feed back on selling my art and photography. If there is any input you guys have, I would love to hear. -tsuLife Author

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I like Liquid Church cause I can be faulted and not judged. Can be myself and let God do what He has to in me, without someone pointing a judgmental figure at me. “Your a Christian you shouldn’t be like that.” Instead of coming as you are, trusting God is going to do something in you. “Because faith is a journey, not a guilt trip.” God doesn’t need us, we need Him. Thinking you have to say something, do something, act in someway, for Him to promote us. He wants us do things out of love. To know love it to know sacrifice. To be a living sacrifice to a living God. He doesn’t need us, He wants us, just our love. What about loving each other? I put it this way, it’s hard to love someone when you think less of them as a person and/or a christian. Seeing the best in people, that God can do in and through them. Don’t be shielded to outside world and struggles people are going through. If your life is perfect, count it as a blessing. Cause real people go through up and down in all seasons of there life. But the hope you can give people is even when your down, there is a God with a safety net. Until you can stand on your own two feet. And when you are standing, willing to do the same for others without making judgment on there situation. I know its hard not to judge, its are default when we don’t understand. You have people secrets and hope in mankind or even God that is in you. -tsuLife Author