Dealing with Depression and Being a Christian

For most people that just doesn’t make any sense. Cause most Christians are bubbly cheerleaders that love everyone. Well it has been very different for me. I had depression for years and just couldn’t come out with it. Mostly, because I didn’t want to be viewed at someone that wants attention. With everyone being so busy with self agendas. No one has time to talk about how they really feel. Covering it with busyness so we don’t have to be alone with our own thoughts.

What does God really want for us?
Love your neighbor as you love yourself.
Hard to do that when we are too busy to even deal with our own selves. You can say the cliche stop and smell the roses. How much is that true for us? How much do we really care about others over self promotion?

How do we move from self promotion or self doubt?
I see most people in one or the other camp. One is the self promoter which can be impossible to get two words in. HAHA We have all done it. You know who they are and who you are. We are not into shaming here. What insecurity do we have that makes us tell people about how much we have done or will do. Or the self doubters when we go up to speak and we just come up empty with worries.

How does our insecurity affect our behavior and our depression?When our expectations of who we are become a unquenchable monster that can never get filled. I personally want to do everything right and feel useful. I never feel OK with just existing, always having the need to prove myself and myself worth. After chasing intangible goals, I’m left with the feeling of defeat and depression.

What’s next?
I don’t know, maybe not caring and thinking that I don’t have to do something important so that I can have the privilege to breathe. And to remember God cares more about us then anyone can or does. That my self worth is on Him and not myself.

If you ever dealt with lack of self worth or depression and how did you over come it, leave a comment below

-tsuAuthor

Redeemable Past

Psalms 103:5 NKJV
Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Something about the thought of your past being redeemable though His mercy, is comforting. What I think of myself is not how God sees me. There are so many lies that we can hold onto like they are truth. I got revelation about our thoughts. That if you have a thought that makes you feel worst about yourself and that leads to sin, it’s a lie. No truth from God would lead you down that road. Truth is to set free not to put you in more chains. Wouldn’t we all like to go back and change things we have done or was done to us. Facts about circumstance may not be truth according to God. We all have our giants but we don’t take down our giants alone. Also, going through our lions and bears without God too. To have a call on our lives that would be unhindered by nothing. We will be tested and tried, it’s on how we come out of it. To uncover lies and bring out the truth of the strength of God in us. I tell people all the time, the Spirit inside us is the same one that raised Christ from the dead. Why wouldn’t you think He wouldn’t want to do something great in you and through you.
He wants you to have victories. 
He wants you to live holy.
He wants you clean and a renew.
He wants you to be close to Him without blame.
He wants you live in freedom.
He wants all of you. -tsuLife Author

He took it all with 3 Nails

Couple years ago, I was at a over night prayer. When I kept on getting a vision of Jesus on the cross. I remember sitting on the floor in deep prayer. The vision was stronger. The prayer out of my mouth, “how you love me, how you love us. I can never understand what you did for me. Why did you die for us? You did nothing wrong. You were perfect, You had not one sin on Your life. You were perfect in every way.” I began to mourn like I lost a family member, just screaming why. That was the moment when I realize how much the cross meant. How unjustified the cross was, to justify us into life with God. I couldn’t grabs the idea of pull my perfect, sweet, loving and graceful son a cross for other people wrong doing. For Him to pay a price He didn’t desire, just for LOVE. How much more do you need to be showed that God loves you with everything in Him. Love that go through the hearts of man to live for eternity. From Genesis to Revelation all He wanted is to bring people back to His love. To breathe His breath of power and inheritance to His kingdom. He loves you and will prove it anyway He can for you to understand. -tsuLife Author

Testing of the Faith

Why are you fearful,  O you of little faith? Matthew 8:26

My trust should be in God alone but it isn’t. Fear over comes me and makes me feel I’m doing something wrong. I hear this scripture all the time, God didn’t give us the Spirit of fear. Or, love cast out all fear. I had someone say to me, trust in your faith. My love for God will surpass all fear I have about my future. 

But who do you say that I am? Matthew 16:15

In the confidence that Jesus is who He says He is. That what He says about your life will come. That He is healer, king, savor, lord, redeemer, bridegroom, and friend… The next couple verse, Jesus called out the purpose in Peter’s life after He got revelation who He was through the Spirit.  When you know, you know. The tugging on your heartstrings that He is everything you’re looking for.
“Why are you troubled? And why do doubts arise in your hearts? Behold My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself. Handle Me and see, for a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see I have.” Luke 24:38-39 He is more then willing to show us who He is at any cost. Even eat with us, verses 40 through 43. It’s just funny in mind the look on their face with Jesus coming out of no where. Scaring them, then showing them His hands. Right after saying,  “yo, you got something to eat?”

Do you love Me? John 21:15

One of the most power conversation between Jesus and Peter. When I heard this little part on audio I broke down in tears. What God was calling Peter was bigger then his mistake on denying Jesus. Just image Jesus is in front of you and He is having this conversation with you.

Jesus: Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?
Peter: Yes, Lord You know that I love You
Jesus: Feed my lambs…
Jesus: Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?
Peter: Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.
Jesus: Tend My sheep…
Jesus: Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?
Peter: Lord, You know all things, You know that I love You.
Jesus: Feed My sheep…
Jesus: Most assuredly,  I say to you,  when you were younger,  you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old,  you will stretch out your hands,  and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish…
Jesus: Follow Me

What is He asking you to lay aside to follow Him?
Is it what you do in life
Is it grieve
Is it regret
Is it pain
Is it control

Rereading this between Peter and Jesus, that Peter’s dad’s name is Jonah. A man that was called to preach repentance to the Ninevites. And he ran cause of fear and God showed up to comfort him after he repented himself in the fish. Prophetic for shadowing, it does matter how far we run from our call out of fear. God, Jesus and the Spirit will go after us to redeem all things back to us what was lost. -tsuLife Author

Peace Faith Hope

Peace, I really wish I had more of it. My mind will naturally go to fear, feeling condemned. I want this renew mind to work a little faster. But it doesn’t work that way. For the last months or so, I know God has been breaking off that fear of man. Being put in situation where I have to trust Him 100%. My peace is usually robbed by my thoughts. I never want to make a choose out of fear, instead of love.

Faith, I believe the mountains can be moved for other people but really hard to see it in my own life. Faith is trusting in the unknown. My problem is I want to know everything now, so I don’t mess it up. There is not much faith if you know or don’t trust in God, then it just becomes my own will power to get the next step done.

Hope, something magical about hope. And yes I used magical to talk about hope on Christian blog. Hope is that moment where you are at your loneliest and something in your spirit tells you its going to be ok. One speaker said wherever you feel hopeless in a area of your life, somewhere you believed a lie. I want to know where the lies started even if it’s going to hurt in the process. Cause I can’t live in hopelessness for the rest of my life.

When your peace is taken, when your faith shaken, when your hope is lost the one thing we can stand on God is God and loves us more then anything we can do for Him. -tsuLife Author

PSALM 68 NKJV

Deuteronomy 30

The Blessing of Returning to God

30 “Now it shall come to pass, when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse which I have set before you, and you callthem to mind among all the nations where the Lord your God drives you, 2 and you return to the Lord your God and obey His voice, according to all that I command you today, you and your children, with all your heart and with all your soul, 3 that the Lord your God will bring you back from captivity, and have compassion on you, and gather you again from all the nations where the Lord your God has scattered you. 4 If any of you are driven out to the farthest parts under heaven, from there the Lord your God will gather you, and from there He will bring you. 5 Then the Lord your God will bring you to the land which your fathers possessed, and you shall possess it. He will prosper you and multiply you more than your fathers. 6 And the Lordyour God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live.7 “Also the Lord your God will put all these curses on your enemies and on those who hate you, who persecuted you. 8 And you will again obey the voice of the Lord and do all His commandments which I command you today. 9 The Lord your God will make you abound in all the work of your hand, in the fruit of your body, in the increase of your livestock, and in the produce of your land for good. For the Lord will again rejoice over you for good as He rejoiced over your fathers, 10 if you obey the voice of the Lord your God, to keep His commandments and His statutes which are written in this Book of the Law, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

The Choice of Life or Death

11 “For this commandment which I command you today is not toomysterious for you, nor is it far off. 12 It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will ascend into heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ 13 Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ 14 But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, 16 in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. 17 But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. 19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; 20 that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He isyour life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”

Something about hearing God’s voice through the wilderness is such a blessing.  When you are being hit from all sides of life. Today I looked up life and fell upon Deuteronomy 30:15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil,” then it goes on to the next verse why He wants us to choose life. For blessing and to posses the land. You may not be called to nations but everyone is called to help people. Possession the land may not be in the physical, it can be peoples hearts to bring them back to the kingdom. To soften the harden grounds of people hearts. Words of hope to bring healing to wounded hearts.

I personally grateful for people speaking life back into me. God reminding the promise He made with me, that it will come to pass cause His word does not come back void. We don’t come to Him void either, He who starts a good work will complete the good work in us. -tsuLife Author

Fear Not

Don’t be afraid. Fear not. All over the Bible, God’s presence shows up and people first reaction is fear. It could be out reverence  but I think its more out of, God is here I’m in trouble. For some reason I usually expect the worst. When most of the time He just wants to bless us. I am the worst about this, when God is blessing with ministry, relationships, jobs, and my family being civil with each other. I think it is going to end soon. Somehow God is going to get me through it.

This negative thinking has to go. Because it made me not trust anything. I have been reading The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson. She says in one part of the book, things we are contending for we have to call them out in a place of victory. Something about prayer and worship can change the whole atmosphere. Its when you are in His presence that brings forth His unmovable peace. God didn’t give us a spirit of fear. -tsuLife Author

PSALM 16

For the last few weeks I have been totaling my tips at the end of the day. I would read a psalm to the number I got. Last Friday I got 16 dollars in tips from doing hair. I didn’t read the psalm until today. I forgot about psalm 16:11 was written on a huge piece of rice paper on my wall. That scripture got me through so many hard times in my life. Hours of crying out to God for a broke through of salvation for my family. Also, standing on what I would be doing for the rest of my life. That one thing when I was in His presence, that He would show me more and more what He going to use me for. All the things I walked away from cause I thinking I was not good enough. In the last week, feel like God is saying, “all the things you let go. I didn’t.” -tsuLife Author

Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust. O my soul, you have said to the Lord,“You are my Lord, My goodness is nothing apart from You.”As for the saints who are on the earth,“They are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.”Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after anothergod; Their drink offerings of blood I will not offer, Nor take up their names on my lips. O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Yes, I have a good inheritance. I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel; My heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life;In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. PSALM 16

Give ear to my prayer, O God,
And do not hide Yourself from my supplication.
Attend to me, and hear me;
I am restless in my complaint, and moan noisily, 
Because of the voice of the enemy,
Because of the oppression of the wicked;
For they bring down trouble upon me,
And in wrath they hate me.
My heart is severely pained within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
So I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness. Selah
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest.
”Destroy, O Lord, and divide their tongues,
For I have seen violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they go around it on its walls;
Iniquity and trouble are also in the midst of it.
Destruction is in its midst;
Oppression and deceit do not depart from its streets.
For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;
Then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.
But it was you, a man my equal,
My companion and my acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together,
And walked to the house of God in the throng.
Let death seize them;
Let them go down alive into hell,
For wickedness is in their dwellings and among them.
As for me, I will call upon God,
And the Lord shall save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
I will pray, and cry aloud,
And He shall hear my voice.
He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was
against me,
For there were many against me.
God will hear, and afflict them,
Even He who abides from of old. Selah
Because they do not change,
Therefore they do not fear God.
He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him;
He has broken his covenant.
The words of his mouth were smoother than butter,
But war was in his heart;
His words were softer than oil,
Yet they were drawn swords.
Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
But You, O God, shall bring them down to the pit of destruction;
Bloodthirsty and deceitful men shall not live out half their days;
But I will trust in You. PSALM 55

Sometimes, we have to watch out with the ones with smooth words. That are trying to bring division into our lives or the church. Cause if anyone gives you 99% truth and 1% lie, is still a lie. It is so important to know the Word so you don’t get fooled. Even the devil came to Jesus in the wilderness and tempted Him with scripture.  ‘He shall give His angels charge over you.’ and, ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.’ Matthew 4:6 but in the original scripture he took from psalm 91:11-12, “For He shall give His angels charge over you, TO KEEP YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS, In their hands they shall hear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.” You know why he would keep that sentence out. Cause that would have prove all authority was Jesus’s. The enemy is trying to convince us the authority that was given to us, is lost. The Word is our sword. “Now He who established us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our heats as a guarantee. ” 1Cor 1:21-22 -tsuLife Author

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

The God that wants to help us

I feel the pressure of life are coming to head all at once. Trying not to break but it’s hard not to feel hopeless. This issue of money also makes me feel like I’m drowning. The one thing in life I didn’t want to do is chase money. But for some reason there is another bill or the car breaks. I don’t care if I lived in a studio apartment for the rest of my life. I did not want to think or deal with money. In the last 4 years money has been a big issue in my life. I feel like I can’t get a break. I’ll save a little then bomb, then something happen and it back to zero.

On the flip side, God has came through with money more times I can count.

My trip to California in 2012, I had two friends give me 250 for my plane ticket. School, after losing my job two days after enrolling for being unable to work Saturdays cause I would be in school. I got a check in the mail from the government of 760 and got a new job two weeks later. Free ticket to a sold out conference with hotel stay with friends and a ride all for free to Harrisburg, PA. When my car broke down had a friend use his AAA to tow my car and another friend gave me 80 to fix it. I had someone give me 100 dollars out of blue for my bills when I wasn’t working. Would have people randomly call me for haircuts, color or photography. They would give me the right amount I needed for bills. One of my friends at Starbuck would get me coffee almost everyday when I wasn’t working. I would be there for hours reading or blogging, he would also throw me a 20 for gas. Number of times holding money in my hands crying cause I knew I didn’t desire it but God wanted to use other people to help me.

God always provided for me when I was unemployed for those two years. I still don’t have much but that heart for giving never left. God taught me out of my nothingness to give. I was always the lady with the two coins. To get someone dinner and pay for it, even if it was my last 20. If I couldn’t do anything else, I would listen to them talk about there day. I never wanted to be used to or think I desire handouts. Even tho a few times my heart did go there. I never let it stay there. Cause in all God is the one who proves all my needs.

Well this blog post was more of venting and testimonies. If anyone is out there needing a break through. I pray these testimonies of God’s work gives you hope and break through for yourself. Blessings -tsuLife Author